Send in the clowns...

Where have all the funny-men gone? Richard Pryor - dead. John Belushi - dead. Chris Farley - dead. George Carlin - dead. Dave Chappelle - hollywood exile? Eddie Murphy - no longer funny. Bill Hicks - dead. Sam Kinison - dead. Andy Kaufman -dead.

My list certainly doesn't cover the full spectrum. Shit, I left out all the writers, actors, singers, politicians, philosophers and genuinely weird crazies...as well as so many other comedians. But, my list should give a general idea of the kind of people I'm referring to. Those who told us truth, mixed in a little fictitious hyperbole, and maybe even made us scratch our heads a bit before saying to our selves, "Holy shit! He's right!"

Carlin deserves a special place in comedy history, for actually making it to old age. And being possibly the smartest/funniest comedian to ever live. And, for teaching me true comedy when I was just a small boy flipping through HBO when my parents had gone out or gone to bed.

Of course there are still entertainers that carry on the traditions of these extraordinarily funny people. Will they last? Do they present a similar style of cranked up, opinionated, brash expression? Half of them might, the other half think they're funny enough as long as they use the words "dick," "shit," and "grandma" in the same sentence.

The emotionally crippled truth seekers on the one way trip to terminal island, those were the men who gave us the true wisdom. They played the game of life unafraid of the grim realities that come with full contact. That is to say, full excess of all that the human experience has to offer.

"I was a player, not a spectator in this life, sweetheart. I look at herpes the way a skater looks at a scraped knee." -Doug Stanhope (one of the few minds left with some perso-fucking-nality)

We sit in coach, eating the peanuts, sipping five dollar watered-down drinks, seeing only that which the tiny portholes allow...while they fly the plane, twisted out of their gourds, taking full enjoyment of God's widespread greenery...seeing far more than their eyes can possibly admit, and admitting far more than their sight could possibly perceive.

Thankfully, these gifted few lasted long enough to share their crystalline observations with those of us smart enough to listen (and successfully comprehend). But who acts on these gems of advice? Who could live through such doom-struck craziness? Can a normal person possibly handle a life on the edge? And if they could...how long would they last? Only a geek of such epic weirdness could survive under such harsh strain. And the rest...well, they couldn't even begin to understand the fast, loose, and infinitely sharp rhythms of a burnt-out expressioniste.

To the funny, weird, genius men...and women, I'm sure...that somehow rose from the ashes of the City of Night, lit up the sky just bright enough to show us true reality, and then disappeared back into the black abyss... I salute you, and do my best to honor your legacies at every opportunity.

----------------

Abstract craziness, I know. If you can keep pace with my manic hoof beats and somehow understand what the fuck I'm talking about...well then that makes one of us. I'm always happy to have you sick bastards aboard the crazy train.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffZTBOk3qrY&feature=related

Going corporate: It's the End of the World...as we know it.

And the newest member of the capitalistic corporatocracy....Duke Hunter! Come on down!

And just like that, I'm thrust forward into the serious world of stiffs and swine. Does the company I work for profit from the military industrial complex? I plead the fifth, senator. I've put off selling out for as long as I could. And now, it is time to swallow my pride, and put my idealistic naivete's in my back pocket...behind my wallet.

As a strong proponent (understatement) of substance abuse, I'm probably the last person anyone would expect to be going corporate. On the one hand, I have to appear to be the straightest of edge in this new environment. On the other, I'll finally have the funds to fuel my drug crazed one-man carnival of treachery and mischief. A single existence and boring routine life has never appealed to me, nor has the constant monotony of everyday reality. Mix it up, I say. Why not unwind your mind and see what's inside?

To live my days as a purchaser, making business decisions and following stringent policies and regulations....and then spend my nights as a tornado of creative devilishness has a particular bent appeal to me. By feeding the degenerate monkey that rides my back, I can fuel the fire that allows me to attempt (by any means necessary) to entertain the few sick souls who find my twisted wits stimulating.

I may/may not be building up to some kind of crazed life lived somewhere just north of insane, but well south of genius. Whatever sacrifices I've made of my body's well-being have typically been paid back through new eye-opening realizations. Drugs make you feel as deep as the ocean. Sometimes the reality is that you're about as shallow as a kid's wading pool, but what better way to find out than diving head first straight from the high-dive? Right. High risk equals high reward. As Raoul Duke used to say, "buy the ticket, take the ride."

Madness. And everyday I'll start anew, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, giving the company my best in the hopes of upward mobility and corporate achievement. A shiny new plaque with my name engraved in gold, or: a new smooth surface to rack some rails before careening off into the warm Los Angeles evening...in search of new stories in the City of Night.

Sell-out? Maybe. Freak-out? Definitely. I have just begun to rebel against straight edged evangelists looking to cleanse the world of personality and uniqueness. An upstanding professional harmlessly endangering the whole of society...possibly bringing it to its knees with his army of dope fiends, loonies, and generally indecent, peace-loving, open minded people. Oh the horror.

I seek out those like me. If they knew how many of us there are, it would shake the very foundation of the square world...

Allow me to introduce myself... I'm a man of wealth and taste...

Well... minus the wealth. Allow me to give the background for the handle I've given this internet publication ("blog" sounds like I'm a high school girl writing about the latest cafeteria gossip). Basically, Erwin and I were talking about the curses of writing, and I think the biggest is that people in general seem disinterested with reading these days. So, I got the idea for a book that would really grab the interest of the everyday low-attention span American male. It would be called Tits 'N Wits: Pics and Schticks to Keep You Entertained; and the cover would be filled with pictures of...titties. Big tits, little tits, Asian tits, Black tits...even a few pairs with the braille nipples, the Stevie Wonders.

And so ideally, Joe Plumber would go walking through Borders bookstore, on his way to the food court across the mall, and from the corner of his eye he'd see this book and stop. "Boobies, boobies, boobies!" he'd scream, and run over to pick up this hardcover gem of...entertainment. Inside would be tid bits of hilarity, generally good manvice (advice for men, or perhaps vices that men like?), anecdotes, and of course...breasteses. Would it be critically acclaimed and compared to the likes of Faulkner and Hemmingway? Of course not. But the fucker would sell, and by making me rich...it would help the economy. So lets all do our part, look for it in stores Spring of 2011...its a while out, but I have a lot of pictures to take between now and then.

Testing Testing...

Look at this beautiful head of hair...

Let us take this bloggie for a joggy. Assume I use words metaphysically.... metaphorically... analytically... allegorically...categorically? Come on, that was pretty good. They call this pontificating, although to be such I'd have to be speaking out loud....which would be pretty sweet, seeing as I love the sound of my own voice.

I find my best writing tends to revolve around opinionated editorials regarding the topical issues that have enraged my prostate currently. I'm not sure how deep I can go into my current irritance, since this blog is easily accessible to the authorities as well as any employer or average Joe Plumber who comes across it. Once I know I'm secure, then I can wail away on the real grimey shit that keeps me awake at night.

In the meantime, welcome to my blog-ojevich, where congressional seats are on special 2 for 10 million, 4 for 18.5. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed that he got impeached so quickly. I was hoping the circus would keep running for a couple more weeks. But, I guess in a closed society of theives, the only real crime is getting caught. We all know Illinois politics is more corrupt than a mob-runned bingo game in East Jersey. The truely guilty have to distance themselves from the heat before they get touched. So they impeached him 59-0. Was he THAT guilty? Probably not. All he really said was "Hey I got this fuckin thing and I'm not gonna give it away for fuckin nothing." That's what their wire-tap recorded him saying. Good ol Governor F-bomb looking for a little back scratching for the lottery ticket he's about to disperse. If it wasn't illegal, it would have been a good idea...but I guess you could say that about most of the decisions I've made in my life too. And so I digress from my high-horse.

I'd say decent, to quite decent for a test run. Time for sleep, get back at you greezy fucks in the morning.

To Be Continued....Immediately

For further clarrification of item #13 from my previous note: judges ruling states that it is, in fact, a penis joke. It may not have started as such, but the final product speaks for itself.... Schlong.

All rules and regulations set forth, by me, in my last note still apply to this one. Without further delay, items 16-25, as requested by my writing partner- Erwin De Vera.

16. The Five B's of Yusef: Blatant, blunt, brash, berating, bullshiteer (rhymes with rocketeer). Alliteration aside I think I'll take my chances in the tournament...

17. I didn't like beer until I was like 22 years old. Now...I fuckin shower in that shit.

18. I'm currently reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for the 6th time. I read it out loud in my best Hunter S. Thompson voice when I poop. " You may not know where the edge is, but the most interesting people live life as close to it as possible," I learned that from Thompson, but the quote is all me.

19. The world is my classroom. Sometimes I teach, but I always learn.

20. I used to have a roommate who talked to himself a lot. Now that I don't live with him anymore...I talk to myself a lot. What gives with that? I describe it as a movie going on in my head, and my mouth acts as the theatre sound system. The picture quality is fantastic.

21. I can get a good look at a t-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

22. I have been so high that I couldn't tell if words were escaping my lips, or if they were simply echoing in my own mind.

23. Do I write the way I talk? Or talk the way I write? I don't know, but I certainly think the way I scuba dive. (refer to item 8)

24. I honestly think I'm going to have to take a pivotal role in the decriminialization of marijuana.

25. Don't follow me. Stay at my side. It's more fun that way. The future is in your hand, play with your own squishy.

Come on... EVERYBODY'S doing it....

Yeah yeah yeah, everyone's done it, bandwagon blah blah. I made fun of Erwin for doing this shit. So now, in my quiet state of boredom, I bequeath to you all this list of bullshit that you may/may not know about me and which I promise may/may not be true about me. It's not so much a list as it is a chronicling of my rise...TO POWER!

Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.(To do this, go to the "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

--------------------

1. I can have full conversations in movie/music/pop culture quotes... that is if you can keep up.

2. According to Charles Alexander Stollar, my shit does not stink. You are welcome to confirm this with him.

3. I generally give great advice, but I've yet to take any of it.

4. Beneath my rough, manish exterior... there is a rough, manish interior. And beneath that, there is jello pudding. Strong men also cry.

5. When I was in 6th grade, I wrote a 2 page paper 20 minutes before it was due. Mr. Frank's English class...it was a story about dinosaurs. I got an A. True story.

6. I only lie to keep people from getting upset. Stories don't count as lies, as they are told for entertainment (either yours, or mine....usually mine).

7. 99% of the comments I make are funny to me. If other people laugh, it's a bonus, if not, its your loss for not getting the joke.

8. Drugs make you feel as deep as the ocean.

9. I like to play devil's advocate, so don't agree with me too often. I'll argue with you anyway.

10. I try to keep others' expectations of me low, while keeping my own expectations high.

11. I'm voiceless until I'm heard. But, I can't be heard until I have something to say.

12. Expressioniste. If it's not a word, I'm making it one. Defined as one who takes particular pleasure in articulating...thought, emotion, imagery, etc. Art must be qualified. Expression is not debatable. I am an Expressioniste.

13. The depth of my ocean is measured by the plunge of my anchor. Interpret that as you wish. Questions may/may not be answered after class.

14. We are all hypocrites to a degree. We're contradictory by nature, and we're certainly guilty of some of the things for which we judge others. In other words: get off your fucking high horse.

15. I like to be different. Not for the sake of being different, but just to keep you people on your toes. So...this is all the wisdom and information you get. Go try to make a dollar out of 15 items.