American Complaint List for our post illegal immigrant nation, OR: Happy Cinco de Fucking Mayo!

The caretakers at the asylum keep giving me access to the internet... idiots.

So Arizona has emerged victorious in its struggle against the "menace," illegal immigrants (Mexicans). That means the fine people of that totally accepting and tolerant state are finally free to look for the next vile abomination to complain about... ain't fascism fun? Now if they could just get those pesky Africans, homosexuals, and non-Christians to go back to where they came from - Arizona could become the true beacon of liberty for the rest of America to look up to. But it's so not about that. I mean... this is about upholding the law. And cracking down on illegals is a much higher priority than enforcing laws against... oh I don't know - rape, murder, or grand theft. Think of the children! How can we explain to them how someone lives, works, and contributes to society without the required paperwork? Besides, those illegal immigrants should be thankful. They get to go back home, and who doesn't like going home?

Shit. There should be a special day just to celebrate.... America Day! At first I was thinking of making it on a special date, something traditional - like Nixon or Reagan's birthday. But why add another celebration onto an already special moment? No, we'll go with a day that doesn't already have a good old fashioned American holiday attached to it. The day will be TODAY. The Fifth of May. AMERICA DAY!

I know what you're thinking, "come on guy, there's already a day like that, it's called Independence Day. Fourth of July. Hello!" Well YOU come on guy, because this day is different. Everyone in the world will celebrate. They'll send us gifts and treasures and women and... shit, when was the last time we got gifts from other countries in appreciation of our complete superiority? The Statue of Liberty? Thanks France, but that's old news.

I want Liberia to send us a golden, diamond encrusted statue of an AK-47. Don't wash the blood off those conflict rocks, that just certifies the authenticity of it. We'll display it outside the pentagon as a monument to the freedom it protects. And all the other countries can follow suit. China can send us a genuine Chinese baby (replace it every year, they got enough of 'em!). Saudi Arabia can send us barrels of oil (PLEASE send us free barrels of oil, Saudi Arabia). Brazil can send us a replica of that big statue of Jesus Christ.... No, they should send us the actual statue and keep the replica for themselves. This is America, baby. Gimme gimme gimme!

Anyway, I started this thing with a point, and I seem to have lost it along the way. Oh right, Arizona... they're finally free to hunt down the next nuisance to their society. And the rest of us should be doing the same. After all, America - we'll have lots to complain about once the undocumented scum are gone (like why the the price of fruit is so fucking high). So my real idea is to make a suggestion box. Someplace we can send our complaints about what's turning this country into shit these days. And since there will be so many complaints (fix the economy, get rid of traffic, kill Wendy Williams, etc.) there should be a great big place all the suggestions can go. The place should be the size of Kansas.

No no... the suggestion box will BE the state of Kansas. We'll displace all the inhabitants (or they can stay, I don't care), and start the pile of suggestions/complaints right in the middle of Downtown Wichita. As the pile grows to truly epic proportions, we'll start charging admission to see the big mountain of letters dwarfing the state around it. People will come from far and wide and pay extra just to take pictures in front of it. For a nominal fee you can even jump into the pile and swim around (you have to sign a waiver saying the government isn't liable for paper cuts, of course). Set up booths around it selling pigs feet and turkey legs and fried cheese, Americans love their fried cheese.

It will be glorious! and every America Day we'll double the price of admission and everyone can read the suggestions out loud so that God can hear them, because it is His country, after all. Step right up kid! Read the suggestions and help your country remain... The Greatest Country in the World!

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This was entirely sarcastic, in case I didn't lay it on thick enough. Hopefully you laughed. If you're pissed... well that sucks (just like AZ's immigration law). Happy Cinco de Mayo!