Am I Crazy? Or Just Plain Weird...

You may be asking yourself, "crazy... weird... what's the difference?" Well, my so called "well-adjusted" friends, the difference is that crazy people do not have a choice; whereas the weird are simply habitually awkward and strange. I find myself in that emotionally self-reflective limbo, where I can't decide which side of the train tracks my mind resides...the near-side, or the far. I've been searching my inner recesses for the words to describe this personal turmoil I'm experiencing... and this conversation I just had with Erwin provides a small insight into what it is I may or may not be dealing with.


duke: shit.. im still trying to decide if im crazy or weird
erwin: haha
erwin: fuck that
erwin: your duke
erwin: no labels on that bro - your you homes
duke : yeah that's true
duke : sometimes i just trip myself out, over what people might think of me
duke : not that it really matters
duke : but you know, we all have our self-image, the way we see ourself
duke : and then there's the way other people see us
duke : and i get curious about how those images compare to one another
erwin : haha
erwin : yea i hate it when i do that
erwin : cause it knocks me off my game
erwin : and i get all insecure and shit
duke: yeah dude
duke: like i partied at rick's last night
duke: and i got high as fuck
duke: and thats all i could think about
duke: like do these people see me as some weird, fat, awkward guy who can't talk right cuz he's stoned?
erwin: haha
erwin: fuck nah man
erwin: work is already fucking with you
erwin: thats what happens man
duke: it really is man
erwin: its already changing you homes
duke: thats what it must be
duke: cuz i've been feeling geniunely odd
erwin: its work bro
duke: like questioning myself and getting irritated and shit
erwin: you just have to realize you have to be a different person during the day
erwin: yea man i went through thtat shit
duke: and i mean, i do a decent job of being that different person
duke: like i can be totally professional and shit
duke: but when i come home
duke: and now this weekend
duke: it just put me in a weird place
erwin: haha
erwin: thats why you need to get drunk man
erwin: have a balance and shit
erwin: just remember this is work - this aint your life
erwin: its adjustment period homes
duke: the thing about work is...it can infringe on your life, take you away from your personal time even outside of the 9-5 hours. but life, cannot infringe on work, at all.
duke: and i hate that
duke: i feel like it cuts time right out of my life
erwin: its just a means to an end
erwin: shiiet bro - i had to endure that for a year
erwin: fucking really 2nd guess who i am
erwin: remember the fucking times i called you
duke: yeah
duke: i guess im just getting a small glimpse of it
erwin: just dont think about it
duke: shit
duke: i wanted to write about it
erwin: look forward to other shit
duke: but i cant even put it into words
erwin: haha o yea definitely do that first
erwin: and let the defilement begin
erwin: besides, once you get a paycheck - you might just feel a lil different
duke: probably

Yeah...probably. The truth is I wanted to escape back to work during this weekend. I find myself judging people for not being like me. Then, in a complete turnaround, I find myself paranoid that others are judging me for not being like them. Maybe I'm projecting? God that's such a psychobabble word to use. What I think it really is...and let the psychobabble flow from here... is that I have this subconscious desire to fit in, to be liked by those around me...in a way that puts us all on this alternate plane of inter subjective reality. And I try to do this through commentary that I constantly hope will trigger some thought or memory that rings true within those around me. So when I utter these comments, anecdotes, jokes, what-have-you, and they fall flat on their face...I get that paranoid feeling...that "do they think I'm crazy? or just plain weird" feeling.

I think there is one of two ways this feeling could manifest into reality. Either, it is part of my struggle towards greatness (or at least high enough mediocrity)....OR, I am just having delusions of grandeur...and I'm not headed towards anything great, good, or grand...that I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will always be just a regular nobody. I say this because this is the time of my life where I make the push...either toward something big, or nothing at all. And by nothing, I really mean just regular, normal, work 9-5, come home and be boring kind of life... That might be a greedy way of thinking of it, and it might be offensive to those who are happy living that way...but those are my thoughts and feelings, and at the moment, they can't be helped.

And if that makes sense, then please explain it back to me in plain English...if it does not, well then this failed experiment in self dissection cost me nothing more than a few minutes of typing and a lifetime of introspective weirdness.